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“Not always.”“And have you also been getting pain in your jaws in the morning, when you wake up?”For a moment I goggled at him. I had absolutely been getting pain in my jaw joints when I woke, but it went away when I got up and I had forgotten it. “Well,” I asked, “what is it? How long have I got left to live?”He grinned again. “It’s not terminal, except in that life is a fatal disease. Since I have nothing much to do today – as you can see, I’m not exactly overburdened with patients – can I take you out to lunch? We can discuss your case over some food.”“Isn’t that supposed to be unethical or something, going out with your patients?”“I won’t tell if you don’t.”So we went out to a restaurant nearby. It had a faux Afghan decor, I recall, done up like a cross between a village hut and a cave, and the doorman wore a beard, turban, turban and what’s known as an “Afghani suit”. But the food – I assume it was supposed to be authentically Afghan, I’ve never had any – was surprisingly good;. I felt like he would have sent some acknowledgement if he had.I never went back to the job at the tavern, nor did I return to the dingy little apartment I'd called home through my pregnancy. I look back on that period as a kind of exile I put myself through as punishment for the sin of leaving my family for something as "trivial" as love.Of course, it wasn't trivial, but I felt like I needed to be alone to try to mend my broken heart and to pay for the pain I put my family through. Something deep in me needed for me to be subtly degraded so I could learn the lessons from my mistake.And it was certainly degrading to live in that little place, working at a menial, sometimes dehumanizing job -- a job that included barely-consensual sex on the side -- and trying to scrape out a living, all while carrying a growing baby in my belly.I resolved when I left the hospital with Angel and returned to Montgomery that I would never live like that again. And I haven't.The first thing I did was work.
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