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I spent my thirteenth birthday wishing that I could just tearoff my boy's uniform, pull on a skirt and once again be part of that'clique' that had so cruelly abandoned me. It didn't even have to bewith Caitlin, Jessica or Noor, just being part a clique with ANY girlswould have been enough for me. By my fourteenth birthday, that longinghad become desperation. And by my sixteenth, just a few months prior,that desperation had become urgent.I'd try to offset the desperation by pretending to be a girl at home, ofcourse- the usual girlish things such as singing into a hairbrush - butthere's only so much you can do when you don't have the 'equipment' youneed to pretend. Sure, I could wrap a towel around my waist and pretendI'm a runway model, but most models don't go around displaying the crestof Brighton and Hove Albion Football Club on their arse.Of course, I'm not lying to dad when I say that I'm 'gay'. My obsessionwith girls is purely about becoming one. I feel no attraction to. But we're so very proud of you. We thought we'd lost you. You died. They resuscitated you. But then you were in a coma. Now you're back. You are my beloved son and you are back with us," Dad said. He was crying. Fuck! I was crying. I'd never stop crying. If I'd attacked him first instead of yelling for everyone to run. I could have saved Lexi."How can you be proud of me when I let them die?" I screamed. "They should have left me dead." Jennifer ran out of the room. She knew. I'd even let Courtney be hurt."Brian Robert Frost!" my father barked. Mom stumbled away as he hovered over me. "Don't you ever say such a stupid fucking thing again! I will take you to the barn and tan your hide. You did everything humanly possible. More than humanly possible. You've been through a terrible experience, but you did nothing wrong. You did not fail. Your family is here for you." I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause you pain," I whispered. "I couldn't save them. He was killing us!"That was the last.
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