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At that point, I couldn't go on lying anymore.There was no epiphany. I didn't have a passion-inspired sexual encounter with another woman, and suddenly realize, "Oh, I'm a lesbian! Just think, after all these years..." In fact, I never had sex with another woman until well after I came out to myself. Coming out was a process that played out over several years, starting with admitting that I couldn't lie to myself any longer, and culminating in the dreaded day I had to tell Josh.In looking back, I think Josh would have been any mother's dream child. He was a boy's boy, enamored of all things connected to the outdoors and sports. His particular passion was hockey after his father started him in a five and six-year-old league. From there, passion became obsession, and he and his father had visions of him being the next Wayne Gretzky. By the time he was eight, he was involved in leagues that had him playing eight out of twelve months a year. It seemed at times my life was reduced to work. "I did as I was told, trying to concave my spine as much as possible."You can better than that. Reach for the room. People want to see you asclose as possible."I reached harder, pulling on my wrist restraints as I leaned andstretched away from the Cross."Shake out your hair."I gave my head a little shake and just then he struck me hard with anarrow leather paddle. No warning. No warm-up.I heard a girl gasp, but other than that, the room fell silent.He did nothing, didn't even breathe. He waited.As I recovered from the shock and began to assess the pain, I alsochecked where my hips where. They were in near the Cross. I tried fast toovercome my reflexes and push my bum back out. I thought I was almostthere. He hit me again. Not quite as hard, but still I reflexed away fromthe source of the assault.We repeated this for 10 or 15 more blows. After a few, he began to talk,quite softly, but firmly."Get back out here sooner. I like that you're working on it, but I wantyou back sooner. And.
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