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He said only a beautiful woman could glide over the floor, swaying the way I did. He doesn't say that anymore.I don't know who I am these days. I look in my eyes in the mirror and try to see but they show me nothing. I cannot explain to Mark how much I hurt because I have caused him such deep pain. The shame of sleeping with another man is constantly on my mind; I can't shake it. If there were some way of explaining to my husband, my love, how I truly feel, I would do it. He won't listen to me though. I'm afraid I've hurt him too much.We haven't talked much since that day when Mark walked out of the doctor's office--just briefly, and about things to do for, or with, Alyssa. I don't know what to say to him anyway. Doctor Jamison says I need to let my guilt slide away but I don't know how to do that. I am guilty... guilty of cheating on Mark, and Alyssa too. My God, the memories of what I said to him the last night I was with that Brian haunt me day and night. I can't sleep without. Which needed to be hand washed, and the setting of the machines for the others. Was I embarrassed to be handling my Mother's intimate apparel? Of course not! They were her one major indulgence on our budget, and she gained a lot of self-confidence and esteem from her carefully garnered elite treasures.Besides, I had worn cotton panties as long as I could remember. At the age of five, I was beginning to manifest the first beginnings of the "bubble butt" that was a hereditary endowment from the males on my Father's side of the family. As I grew older, I often questioned Mother about it."Did Daddy have a rump like mine, Mother?" "Yes," she would reply. She didn't tell me until a great deal later that he wore panties as well. When he was taken from the crushed vehicle that claimed his life, he was wearing them under his suit. I think that my Grandfather wore them as well. But (if you want to think that this pun is intentional, please feel at liberty), I can tell you, from personal.
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