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You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a McDonald's in Vail.You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.You think a pass does not involve a football or a woman.You are 82 years old and take up snowboarding.The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.You get depressed after one day of cloudy weather.You think that formal wear is ironed denim.North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the right; and east and west are where all those morons keep moving in from.You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue.You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt, and Birkenstocks.Your bridal registry is at REI (you know, the Superstore off Speer!).You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.Cowboy boots are proper footwear with a Tuxedo.And. “Big fat pot belly, he was so fat that on Saturday nights after Match of the Day I had to kneel down so he could get it in me from behind, “ she said, “When he could get it up at all, which wasn’t often, he used to like that Helga on ‘Allo ‘Allo, when she wore a corset and suspenders, or was it Herr Flick, I never knew.”“Do I really need to know this?” I asked.“He used to look out of the window when we were doing it,” she continued “Oh look there’s the number 87 bus, ‘he would say, It was his idea of a joke, but I closed my eyes and imagined it was Tommy Granby, Mrs Arkwrights gardener that was fucking me.”“Too much information,” I explained.“Well you told me to drop my knickers and I didn’t ask you to ask me did I?” she replied.“No, I suppose not,” I sighed.“I don’t think it would help much anyway,” she said, “Even if I did I’d still be too hot.”“Yes, but if you put your knickers on your head it would keep the sun off,” I suggested.“Why this fascination with my knickers?” she.
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