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All I think about is you. All I see is your face. All I feel is your touch. I’m going fucking insane.’ I heard her get up, felt her wrap her arms around me. ‘That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.’ She kissed the back of my neck. ‘Is it so hard to say, Monk? Here, I’ll start. I –‘ She didn’t finish. I spun in her arms, slapping one hand over her mouth before she could finish. ‘No.’ It was a whisper, a breath. ‘Not yet….I’m not ready for this, Nat. Please.’ Natalie pulled her head away with a hard shake. ‘When will you be ready, Monk? For the love of God, you need to know why, and then you need more time — can’t you just fucking accept? Can’t you just…let go?’ Her voice went from angry to plaintive. ‘Please, Monk…all this control is killing you. If you don’t see it, I sure as hell do.’ I looked her hard in the eye. ‘Without it, I would have snapped your neck, back there in the kwoon.’ ‘Really?’ she asked. Before I could react, she grabbed my hand and placed it around her. Even susan when she came overaccepted me as they played different things. I began to enjoy the freedomthat this allowed me, But as the summer came to an end, my mom said youhave to stop wetting you pants, you can't go to school in a diaper andplastic panties, i to say the least was hurt, i had grown to enjoy andlove dressing as a little sister and cried when the first day of schoolcame. I remember well my mom saying, you must go to school a boy, i cried andcried telling her i wanted to wear a dress, but like being forced to weara diaper, she made me dress in boy pants and shirt, before the school buscame. I was heart broken, i wanted to be like my sister, to wear skirtsand dresses. My first class after arriving was wrong, i wet my pantswithin the hour, which prompted the school to call my mom. When she came,i was very afraid she brought dry under ware and pants and told me ! Youcan't pee in you pants at school i started crying and told her i wanteddress like my sister, the lady in.
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