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If he had tried to kiss her first it probably wouldn’t have happened, but he didn’t. Almost soundlessly he slid his hand under her light skirt and touched her very softly through her pants. It was impossible, Ellie thought, somewhere, that such a small touch, not even flesh to flesh, could start such a blaze of desire. One part of her mind watched, interested, as the rest of her yielded utterly to this strange and bewitching man whom she barely knew. Her head was back against the wall, and one hand was clenched on his arm, but not to stop him. His fingers were gentle on her thighs, sliding the silk aside, and then touching her. She had been watching his hands: long and brown and hard, and yet he stroked her with such delicacy. One finger slid inside her, and her hips moved with him to take him deeper, and she heard her breath leave her body. She pulled him closer, her left hand sliding up his arm to his shoulder, and she realised the taut and compact muscle that lay under the loose. She is tired of her half-existence. She is tired of being sad, tired of not even minding that someone her age should grieve. And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her wanting to go back to the things she used to like- the feel of a new toothbrush against her gums, for instance. Such a little thing that the nurses here overlook so often. She would like to polish a jar of canned tomatoes and set it on the top shelf with its mates. Lick an envelope, stick a stamp neatly in the corner, drop it in the mailbox. She’d like to clean her body out with a hoot of honest laughter. She’d like to sit on the toilet by herself. She.
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