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Butstill, I never had any desire to meet. Sure, as a fantasy, but not forreal. I'd be too scared, too self-conscious to ever actually go throughwith it. Too scared of where it might eventually lead once I did genuinelysub to another. My fantasies were dark...being turned into a sex-slave,whored out, being controlled totally. But they were just fantasies, andthey always would be.And then I met HimRichard was very different from the other guys who frequented thechatrooms and sites.Never pushy but there was something quietly assertiveand dominant about him. It was subtle...yet persistent. From the start heseemed to know...to really know what made me tick. It was a relief, a bigrelief, after so many years to be able to tell someone, truthfully aboutmy desires and fantasies. And he never judged, just listened.We'd chatted for a long time, years, before he suggested that we meet. I'dbeen thinking about it for ages and although I'd always sworn to myselfthat I'd never actually meet anyone. Poppyhas her arm around my waist and is pulling me close.Eventually it is time. Poppy takes me by the hand and leads me into herroom. My nerves have completely burnt off the alcohol and my brain isalert. I feel my hands shaking as Poppy takes them in hers, "Are youOK?" she asks me, I just nod, almost hypnotised.I can hear Poppy's Dad and Phil talking in the kitchen. Poppy goes andcloses the door. Then she comes over and pushes me onto the bed. All myresistance has gone. It feels like electricity is shooting through mywhole body. If I close my eyes I can see my nerve endings on fire. Ifeel parts I've hardly been able to acknowledge come alive. My mind isfull of a thousand and one things, is this right? Am I betraying Julia?Am I killing Mark? Do I want to be Emma forever? Then she kisses me andeverything fuses into one.An hour or more later we lie next to each other. Poppy runs her handover my smooth body. A body that feels renewed."I have to tell you something," I say this without.
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