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"But it's kind of disgusting. Do you think you could use some kleenex or something, instead?"Something in her tone told me that I wasn't going to get her to drop the subject. I actually did use kleenex sometimes ... but it always seemed like it would fall apart in the sticky goo, and leave little white nodules crusted onto my stomach or dick when I tried to wipe myself off. And it would take a half-a-box to finally get all cleaned off. And something made me just basically try to explain that. Not make anything up. Not so explicitly, though."I tried kleenex. It doesn't work," I said, still probably sounding whiny, though it was mostly the embarrassment in my voice. She looked puzzled, so I had to explain a little more: "It's like ... it uses too much kleenex up. Plus like the kleenex comes apart," I added, in a bit of a rush.Mom still looked puzzled, but she could see I wasn't lying ... that I was trying to be honest about this awkward subject. She said, "well, at the least, maybe you. ‘Jill, are you seeing anyone right now?’ Jill’s expression fell. She looked down at the gravel below our feet. When she spoke, it was so quiet that I could barely make out the words. ‘I don’t have time right now for a relationship.’ My heart fell like her face did. I tried to reason out what she really meant. Was it me? She must have sensed my concern because she quickly explained. ‘My first love is the theater. I want this so badly I can taste it. If I could, I’d do this twenty-four seven.’ She paused and breathed in loudly. ‘I keep hoping to get discovered, to get a chance to go professional.’ I was looking at her. When she said the last sentence, she looked up at me, our eyes locked together. The emotion in her voice spoke of the love, the passion, the desire she held for acting. I could feel in my body what she must feel, the unfulfilled desire. I took her in my arms. ‘You’re good. You’re really good. The rest of us are just playing along. I’ve watched you. You can do this. You.
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