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Her eyes lit up.The club seemed to be little more than a meeting place for black men and white women. There was a small dance floor where a few couples were engaged in pseudo-sexual relations (and perhaps not pseudo- in one or two cases... ) and about twenty or so large booths arrayed along the outer perimeter. The booths were uncharacteristically large, each one being U-shaped, with an oddly small table in the center. The booths were raised off the floor about 6 or 8 inches, and seemed heavily padded in the naugahyde style. Most were occupied by four or five black men, and one, sometimes two women. I say sometimes, because I noticed that every now and then, a woman's head would appear up above the top of the table after being noticeably absent for several minutes, and she'd sit back up on the cushions. It took me a little while to realize that the missing women were providing oral relief for the men at their booths. Plus the fact that they usually dabbed daintily at their lips once. What of it? Given that I do not come from a religious background, that I was born and raised in a very cosmopolitan city, that I am very educated, and well-traveled, these reactions are hard to explain. Possibly my self-image was incompatible with it. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting. Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like.
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