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But I made it a rule to never, ever actually touch her breast itself. The only thing she felt on her nipples was the fabric of her robe. And with my right hand I stroked her thigh, and sometimes the top of her mound. But never down there, where I figured she'd be getting warm and wet, not even that near. Just near enough to make her think about being touched down there. Just enough to make her think of my fingers closing upon her breast. So for the next two hours I teased her as we sat there illuminated in the gray light of that old black and white set. I leaned over to kiss her ear and shoulders every once in a while, but I stroked and watched the movie. It was hard to hold back, because I knew I could go there at any time, knew she'd welcome it, and I knew very well that was where she wanted to go. Jane figured out the game early, an though she'd play. Soon I felt her fingertips running down the inside of my thighs. She nibbled my shoulders and traced the outline of my very hard. Power or continued pain. The feeling of the universal creation flowing through my body would be as sweet as any kiss, as intoxicating as any liquor, yet I fear it. I fear what temptations I would have, I could undo the separation. I could heal myself. Become whole. Yet, within my soul, I know that that option is not. The flow of self-depreciating sadness moving across each numb nerve with the quiet coldness of ice, numbing my heart to what I have been part of, have seen. As tempting, in its own way, as the power I could open myself to. I choose. There really was not much of a choice, the decision made in an instant. I rein in my mind and flow, not outward as a waterfall, but inward, sinking into the black hole that is the remnant of my heart. Darkness swallows me yet I ignore it, I search. Moving across surfaces that reek of memory and sadness, I begin the long road through a self-made hell. Heat tears at my atoms, Cold sears my neutrons from balance, both fusion and fission work.
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