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I’ve never had alcohol during work in my life, but today I consider it to be an understandable exception. My entire body is shaking as I leave the office right in time for lunch and I decide to go to the pub right across work. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to deal with my paranoia and fear over this sudden, inexplicable situation, but I am completely determined as I walk to the bar, sit down on the stool and ask for a scotch on the rocks.“Tough day at work?” the androgynous yet attractive bartender asks me as she prepares my drink.“I am probably overreacting, but I don’t know.” I cover my face with my hands and shake my head. “I just really need some alcohol in my system right now to quell the horrible anxiety.”“I hear ya, baby girl.” The gorgeous bartender nods solemnly and quickly prepares my drink. “Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes a good shot of scotch is the perfect medicine to get back into shape.”“Thank you,” I gratefully say as I take out my wallet. “How much do I owe you?”The. Next came the job of removing my makeup, which at a physical level waseasy enough - I had become quite adept at both applying and removingcosmetics quickly, while practising at home. But emotionally, it tookquite a toll.i had just spent two whole days as Alannah, and it was awrench to give her up. She might not be a completely different person toAlan, but she was certainly better - and had way more fun.So when I snuck back downstairs, and opened the front door as if I wasonly just getting home, the tears that came to my eyes when my parentsrushed out to greet me were not entirely faked. I was genuinely sorryfor upsetting them - but also full of remorse at resuming a role that Iincreasingly wanted to leave behind. Then it was quickly up to bed,before they noticed that the clothes I'd come back in weren't the onesI'd gone out with on the Friday evening.The ensuing week wasn't any better. I tried everything I could think ofto talk to Shauna. But when I called she was always said to be.
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