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Do this for you first. OK?" She smiled at me warmly and I realized again just how fortunate I was to have found her again."Grandma, you have to go see him. And you have to tell him to come back. I want so very much to meet him and have a grandpa of my very own. Please tell him that. Please?" OK for both of you I'll go see him tomorrow. I'll tell him what he is missing and that there are two beautiful ladies here just dying to meet him. If he is a man, that should do it, don't you think?"We all laughed and cried together as women do and we loved every minute of it. But inside, I was so nervous at seeing him again that my stomach was rolling and burning. I needed to get my mind off of him and try to put it out of my mind for a while. I would think about what I was going to say later, when I was alone. I was terrified but excited at the same time. I had done without him for so long that I felt I could stand his refusal to come to the wedding but I didn't think I could take his rejection. There wasn't really anything to see anyway.As I kneeled on the little padded shelf the floor beneath me feltreassuringly solid, probably the same thick poured concrete the floorof the rest of the place. No trapdoor here.Not that I believed in any of that "lever" stuff anymore, but I wasstill convinced that I could get into serious trouble if I divulgedanything about my gender conflict, or the modest stash of girlie thingsI'd accumulating. I knew our faith's official line was that anythingsaid to one's confessor was utterly sacrosanct- a policy that hadcaused Father Tommy Lee Jones a lot of anguish in that movie WITHOUT APRAYER, where Sean Penn was this crazy serial killer, taunting him inthere. But I also knew that what went for serial killers didn't alwaysapply to kids. I'd had bad luck before with confiding in adults aboutstuff.So I continued my habit (born out of my fear of suddenly disappearingoff the face of the Earth...) of substituting my actual wrongdoings formade-up ones of.
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