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Ifelt much more receptive afterward to all the other things shewanted me to do. And they did come much easier -- I liked doingthem. You know, little things like how to sit in a skirt, and howto hold my wrists and fingers so they're dainty, things like that.It all seems so much more natural now." So now you're a natural woman? Fun!" I wouldn't say that, Laura. Not perfectly natural. For that I'dneed longer memories of myself as a woman, and more deephabituation. But it doesn't bother me any more that it doesn'tjust happen naturally. That I have to make it happen. It's alleasier for me now. More comfortable. When I say my mantra I don'tget hung up about looking or acting effeminate, or whatever I am.I just ... am. I act appropriate. So for example if the guys atthe office start razzing me about my bra or my moves or my ass, Idon't care. I figure they're just being guys, that they'recomplimenting me the way guys do. Like, all last week Anna wantedme to wear tight pants,. I don’t need guilt trips, Ryan.’ ‘God damn it, this is not a guilt trip!’ She made a frustrated sound and put her hands on her hips. ‘Okay, here it is. I love you. That’s why it hurts that you can’t seem to work up any enthusiasm for me at all.’ Brody stared at her and she tried not to feel defensive. ‘Look, I didn’t say that so you’d say it back, or to pressure you or anything. I just—we keep saying the same things. I didn’t want to go without being honest, and I didn’t want to hold anything back.’ She waited a few beats. ‘Aren’t you going to say something? Anything?’ ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ Brody looked as confused as she felt. ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘This isn’t about what I want. It’s about how we feel and what’s going to happen next. It’s about—about the fact that in a few days I’m leaving for a couple of months and I hate the idea of losing you before that happens.’ ‘No one said you were going to lose me.’ Ryan ignored the fact that Brody hadn’t said anything.
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