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I would think up a name, and when I’d try to say it while imagining the girl and associating her with it, the name would suddenly become inaudible to me. I would hear that sound from my dreams, the muffling sound that always blocked out her name, even when I spoke it. I could feel my lips shaping the word and my vocal cords shaking to create the sound, but I could never hear it when I spoke it. As always, my meetings with the girl were much less calm and platonic than that magical night. I would wake up, we would talk a little, and sometimes I would be able to wrap my arm around her and hold her for a few minutes, but it never advanced past that. I was standing in the boy’s bathroom at school, muttering curses in front of the urinal. I had been there for more than five minutes and I needed to piss like a truck driver, but I couldn’t even break the seal. ‘Goddammit, I don’t need another health issue. Just piss already.’ I finally groaned as the reserves were released, but as soon as. But I noticed my breasts had grown some. I guessed he had also laced my food with estrogen. The only break I got from the boredom of the darkness was when he came to rape me, make me suck him off and to feed me. At least he emptied my chamber pot daily. I even came to look forward to his visits. He had given me back the use of my hands finally but made me thank him sweetly when he used me sexually. Then one day he came into my room and hung chains from the ceiling. He then cuffed my hands to two of these chains and then lifted my legs one at a time and looped a chain from the other two. I was sort of in a sitting position with my legs spread wide apart. Then he brought in a man I had never seen wearing a surgical mask. He wiped my scrotum with some alcohol and made an incision. He pulled out one of my testicles, cut it free from the tube connecting it and handed it to my master before cauterizing the tube shut with a heated electric iron of some sort. Master shoved my.
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