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My room was the converted attic my oldest brother left to me when he went to be a soldier in Vietnam . At least I didn’t have to share with Brad anymore. He was 19, just graduated from high school, and trying to figure out how to dodge the draft. He and I were the only 2 left at home and for some reason, he made no objection to me taking the attic – totally NOT Brad. Anyway, I liked it up there and was left alone. I could masturbate without being worried someone would barge in, and there were some sneaky cubby holes to hide my Playboy magazines in – my oldest brother Sam had shown me them before he left. I sat on my bed holding the soap and waiting for mom. She liked to make me sweat… Finally she came in and told me to get up and put the soap in my mouth. “Tommy, you are going to get one bare assed swat for each letter in the word you said. Now pull down your pants and bend over. Put the bar of soap in your mouth” I. I thought that I would do something good for humanity to not procreate and add to the depletion of the Earth. I felt that I was morally superior to all those women who wanted, and had, their two point six children. The fact that I, honestly, did not look my age facilitated me in this delusion. The fact that I have had no illnesses beyond the occasional cold led me to believe that I had time and good genes on my side. Well, guess what, I was wrong about all of those things. I decided one day, about two years ago, to eschew the Nazarite vow that I made as a child (fodder for another essay I suppose) and have a child myself. I have written about broken vows in this forum already so I won’t linger on this, but suffice to say that things have not gone as planned. My IVF failed. In truth, I FAILED. I was the one who had no eggs in my two follicles — six short of what the doctor wanted, but at least two gave me the chance of twins. It was a nasty shock. I had to face facts for the first.
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