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It was very hard though. Sometimes people would totally change when they realize you are not full blood Japanese, even Grandpa sometimes called us unpure breed and inferior species.I once had a crush on boy in high school. Everyday after class he could come over and beat me. He would come from behind, grab my hair and drag me until I fell on the ground and drag me all the way off the sidewalk. At first I hated him, because I feared for my life and my entire body was hurting every day. Every day he would show up and wait for me. Sometimes he would push and shove me. Sometimes he would make me kneel on the ground and prostrate before him. I tried my best to avoid him and I didn't dare to tell anyone because it was shameful. One day he didn't show up, and I felt slightly disappointed. I felt even a little sad not seeing him. And so gradually I began to understand how mommy feels. I began to realize that women actually love the pain, love the subjugation and love the punishment. "Clear," in fact, described the result perfectly. Virtually no detail at all in the negatives. Nothing. Zilch. Nothing I could salvage, even with the hardest highest-contrast paper I could find. It was hopeless. I felt like shit. Like failure. Dad wouldn't have approved, I'm sure of that.Just a fuckup. That's what it felt like and that's what it was. So, no, I didn't cry, but I felt like it. I solved it the way I'd solved so many similar things over the years: I cut it out of my life. I told myself it was because I was bored with it, that I hated darkroom work, that I was only doing it because Dad did it and my brother the jerk did it, and I didn't really want to do it, anyway.That wasn't entirely true, though. The fact is that while I was no Ansel Adams, I got some pretty good results. Mostly in portraits, now and then in a landscape. Lee was my primary subject in the early years, no surprise there, and our kids when they came along, alone and in groups, sometimes with grandparents.
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