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I mean to change that as of now if you can let me."Hope sprang into Ruth's consciousness, tinged with a bit of anger and sorrow. Emotions she had not allowed herself to feel over the past long, difficult month. "Are we talking about your affair with Gina Laslowe or something else?" she said with more bite in the tone than she wanted to show.John blanched slightly, dropped his eyes and whispered, "Fuck. When... ? How... ? How long have you known?" Over a month." she said flatly. "For the past 21 years, you'd put on your police uniform and walk out that door and I'd wonder if this was the day you wouldn't come home because some drugged up shit-head killed you. For the past month, I wondered if this was the day you'd walk out that door and not return because you decided to move on with Gina. I don't know which is worse. I actually thought of killing you myself so I guess the second scenario was worse in my mind." Oh, Ruth how do I begin to even say how sorry I am? I have called it off. Well, we are back home. Mom somehow found us, and told us to come home.We did, lacking anywhere else to go. I hope things are going to bealright. I feel so helpless.*****Its kinda funny around here now. Its like we all made this unspokenagreement to not mention what happened, but to go on as though life wasperfectly normal. My step-dad actually seems a little wary of mybrother, so maybe that's what we've needed to do all along - kick hisbutt, and then he'd leave us alone. *****Have I mentioned yet how much I HATE getting erections? Most of thetime, I can almost pretend I dont have male bits, but when I get hard,its impossible to ignore, and it sucks, big time. I can't explain itright, but it just feels so WRONG somehow. Sometimes, the only way I canface the day is to pretend my clothes are girl clothes and that nobodynotices or minds. That's one of my big fantasies at night, to imagineI'll wake up as a girl and just have a normal day as one. I just dowhatever I would normally be.
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