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But I didn't delete it either.Then I had a dream about sucking cock. It woke me up. Couldn't get back to sleep. Fuck! My cock was hard. Well, I got little sleep that night, not to mention how upset I was thinking and dreaming about cock.I calmed down, life was going OK, and then I began thinking about that video. Like a magnet, I was drawn back to it. I found myself masturbating so much, my cock was getting sore. The blonde was so hot. But I was lying to myself. It was the cock that got me going. But I knew I couldn't do anything about it. Could I? How could I find another guy to play with me? Try this out, make myself understand I was not interested in cock, after all? But how to do this without embarrassing myself, getting arrested, losing my job, and especially, not ending up divorced.Craigslist. I stumbled on that idea all by myself. I used CL for selling stuff off and on for a few years, never looked at the personals. Now I checked them daily, looking at the Men for Men ads,. I didn't feel like I was bailing out on the pitches, or flinching. But something was different, and, whatever it was, Sandy seemed to be the only antidote. When she was nearby, when I could think about her, back there behind me in the stands, the fear -- if that's what it was -- didn't take hold of me.Superstition? Was that all it was? Maybe. But I had never been superstitious. I'd never cared about mystical stuff; it had always seemed like bullshit to me. I certainly didn't worry about black cats, or stepping on the baseline when I left the playing field.But now. I felt like a hitter when Sandy was there. I even forgot, a couple of times, to put on my Captain America goggles when I went up to the plate.But when Sandy wasn't there, I felt a little empty. Hard to admit something like that. It was like being kind of weak: it made me feel effeminate, even, although I knew there were plenty of women around who were as strong-willed as the strongest man.Whatever it was, I felt it. Maybe.
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