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"Take a fucking chill pill, Marilyn. He was just leaning his hand against the headstone." He was muttering something. Something about my husband. Something about him killing himself!" She turned to Richie, her eyes wild with fury. "He didn't kill himself, he was drunk and crashed his car into a tree, you little idiot!"Sandra sighed and turned to her son. "Well, Richie? Did you say something like that?"Richie's glazed eyes shifted between the two women. "No, I didn't. I didn't say nuthin'." It's 'I didn't say anything, ' you ignorant..." Marilyn hissed through clenched teeth."That's enough, Marilyn," said Sandra."But he said it! I heard him!" No, just shut your mouth, I've had it for one day. You said your peace and laid your flowers. Now let's get the hell out of here."Marilyn gave her sister a look of affront, then huffed and marched towards the car.Sandra frowned at Richie. "And I don't want to hear a damn word from you about your aunt, even after we drop her off, you got me?" Yeah,. His companions nodded in agreement.The unfortunate animal was taken before a magistrate, who concurred with their assumption, and charged the ‘man’ with being a French spy. A swift trial was followed by an equally rapid execution. As the monkey danced to its death on a rope the Hartlepudlians congratulated themselves on preserving the sanctity of England from the machinations of the dastardly French.It was a visiting merchant, from the much more sophisticated town of Sunderland, who identified the ‘French spy’ as a monkey, and the news of the Hartlepudlians’ foolishness and ignorance soon spread throughout the county, and beyond.“Well, I thought the men of Scunthorpe were stupid, but it appears Hartlepudlians surpass even them,” Spelky said, before emptying his tankard.“I thought you hailed from Scunthorpe, Spelky?” I said.“No Colonel, I was born in the town of Brigg. Which is ten miles, and three hundred years, away from Scunthorpe.”“I suppose, if all you had heard of the French.
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