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I gave my female side the name Moira, which was what my mother intended to name me if I had been born a girl.Moira was still me but at the same time she (I) was not me. It was as if the left side of my brain had gone on dimmer switch and the right side glowed more brightly. My tastes changed. I felt much, much more giving. I felt an overwhelming need to be connected to people, to form relationships, whereas the male me was much more self-contained and a loner by nature. The paradox was that as Moira I couldn't socialize, but the boy I was most of the time could be with other people whenever I wanted. There were more superficial changes, too. I walked differently, sat differently, moved my hands differently, even sounded different, all without any effort. It seemed like a case of galloping schizophrenia, but I was quite clear headed at those times-- much more together (and happier) than I had ever been as a boy, and certainly lucid enough to know that I could never share myself as. . I didn't know what do. I felt like she had completely replaced me. That's why I asked the girls before you guys came if she fell immediately in with you guys. I wanted to see how fast she replaced me..."I felt my eyes filling, and tried to blink them out. I couldn't cry. Not in front of him.One rolled down my cheek, and I tried to sweep it away. But before I could, he saw it. "It's okay Sophie. I understand," and I knew he did.I leaned against him, and felt like bawling my eyes out for days. He rubbed my arm, and then my hair."You're the only person who does." Understand you?" he asked, his chin on the top of my head.I nodded."It's a gift," he whispered, and I had to smile.We sat there for a few minutes, and I soaked up his smell. God he smelled good."Think we should go in?" I asked him.He shrugged, "Doesn't make a difference to me. Do you want to?" Whatever you want."He smiled, "Let's get out of here. I'm sure we can find something better."I nodded, and we both got up, putting on.
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