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Uk for all the delightfully dirty Victorian sexual slang.] It was a dark and stormy night upon the blasted moors of Nether Scrotum as detective Scrimshaw and his sister, Amygdyla, who swore that she had never known a man in the biblical sense, meandered from one tussock of sawgrass to another in pursuit of clues to the whereabouts of one Calcium, a local grain merchant, pickpocket, and orphanage embezzler. They had followed Calcium’s footsteps through fens and copses, losing the trail only past midnight when the expected fogbank slummed in from the nearby Phaeces Fjiord, blocking the light of the full moon and rendering their chase futile, despite their rugged outdoor hand lamps. Amygdyla suggested a standard search pattern sweep in the hope of finding some remnant of Calcium’s cloak on the sharp-edged sawgrass, locally known as “tattersnare”. But after an hour of diligent, serpentine searching, they found nothing. Scrimshaw called a halt to their endeavors and pulled a large. She prefers to work in a place with a lack of judgment and low standards. College was the perfect environment for her. She thrived in college. She was the leader of our little pack mostly because she was the most forceful. Her twenties weren’t so great because people started asking her what her plans were. She never had any—not really. But people gave her a pass because she was still young and Bohemian. Now that, along with me, she’s thirty-three, judgments are tougher on her. What was cute at twenty-three starts to get sad at thirty-three. Susan’s always been the alpha in our relationship. We applied and were accepted to the same small liberal arts college and we became roommates. The school wasn’t for me, but at eighteen I was nervous to be away from home and Susan had all kinds of confidence I could hide behind. So I followed after her and she was happy to be followed. Once we were enmeshed in campus life, good-time Susan disappeared quickly. It started with a women’s studies.
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