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” Then I remember and say, “Oh yes, I’ve been here before.”I also know that the door is always unlocked for me; I open it and walk into a warm, cozy room. Every time I see this place, it takes my breath away. There is a romantic, sensuous setting; wooden furniture including a wet-bar, a fireplace with a roaring fire, a white bearskin rug, and a fur covered bed.I take off my coat, walk over and hang it in the closet. I then take my bag and set it on the bed, and lay out some sultry things; a sheer lavender teddy, with a matching robe that barely covers anything. I giggle, “Who knows I might get a chance to wear them.”I strip off my heavy winter things and look at the items, then think of the bearskin rug. I tingle all over at the thought of the thick, soft fibers against my bare skin and decide to go au’ natural. I then proceed to walk over to a bar, get an ice bucket, wine and two goblets. I lick my lips in anticipation, return to the rug, and set the items off to the side. Then I. Richard might be able to turn it off and on at will – and I hoped Nola had the tools to deal with it – but I couldn’t just switch horses. Rachel had been my love, my life partner, for over a decade. I couldn’t just change up, like switching channels on a TV.Connie presented pluses and minuses. It was clear to me that many of Rachel’s habits and attitudes came from her mother. Connie reminded me of Rachel every day. In some ways, it was gratifying, comfortable – as if Rachel was still with us. In others, it as disconcerting. I had to work at avoiding the kind of casual intimacy that Rachel and I had presented each other with on a daily basis, avoiding the casual kisses, the caresses of a body that was almost familiar. Connie and I had always done the ‘family peck’ where one of us kissed the other on the cheek upon arrival for a visit or prior to departure. I slipped up a couple of times, pulling her into a hug and laying one on her before realizing I was screwing up. The casual caress.
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