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I've never thought about it like that." I just want you to know, whatever happens, that I have more things to work through. I can't have a normal job, just be someone's girlfriend, not with all I still feel. That man who raped me broke something inside me, Peter. My instant reaction to arousal is rage. It has taken me a long time to push through that feeling, to stop being so angry at my own body and the person I'm attracted to. I wouldn't bring this up at all, but tonight got me so spun up. You were kind enough to let me stay with you, I didn't want you to misunderstand." Damn. I have to tell you, just knowing you from work, you seem so together, so casual about things I'm still hung up on. I'd have never even guessed all this was going on in your head." It sucks, but it is who I am, so I have no choice but to try to deal with it. Sometimes it gets me down. I can't have close friends, because when I do I end up pushing them away or hurting them. I've never had a serious relationship. ’ Silence for a moment and then— ‘John, you’re squashing me.’ We both giggled a little at the absurdity of it all. Here we were, complete strangers, naked together in a huge bed with no idea what to do with each other. He hitched himself up on his elbows. ‘Eleanor? Will you…show me where?’ Surprised, I arched an eyebrow at him. He rolled his eyes. ‘I know where, you goose, but I meant…well, I can’t exactly see what I’m doing here…’ We laughed again, and I agreed. Tentatively, I reached a hand between us and took hold of him. The skin of his cock was smooth as silk, and hot to the touch. I stroked the length of it experimentally, and he let out a small moan. I took a deep breath and moved my hand lower, spreading my legs a little wider. I set his throbbing tip at the entrance to my most guarded, and least explored place. ‘There.’ He let out his breath and suddenly, without warning, pushed his full length into me. The pain knocked the breath out of me. While it wasn’t nearly as bad as.
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