The dishwasher splashed to a jarring stop. The color picture on the TV shrank to a single bright point. Then total darkness."Oh! My god!"My mother had just arrived next to the couch carrying a glass of wine for her and a coke for me. I heard her stumble toward me. Reaching blindly, both hands caught her thighs and stopped her fall."Thanks. Wow, it's dark!"Guiding her to the couch, my hands tingled with the complex sensual feel of the silk dress sliding over full thighs snug inside pantyhose and a slip. I felt a little sheepish about being erotically excited by this simple gesture."There! I didn't spill a drop!" she gasped as she landed next to me.We sat in silence for a moment."Shall I get candles, do you think? Or wait and see if it comes on? It's eerie that it's so dark, isn't it?"Her thigh pressed tight against mine, warm and sensual."Let's wait. I like to watch the lightning." I said."Hmmmm, you know that it scares me sometimes, though?"Yes. I'll hold your hand." I reassured. Other boys like mecame to accept that we did not measure up, that we did not have what ittakes, that we weren't good enough to be men like our fathers.As well as not measuring up to my father intellectually I also did notmeasure up to him physically. Dad would beat me. He would say he waspunishing me even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I remember thishappening on a few occasions so I would always fear incurring myfather's wrath. I was not only careful about what I said but what Ithought because I could hear my father's voice inside my head and myfather was therefore always with me, omniscient and omnipresent likeGod.When I hear Christians talk about "Father God" it makes me think thatthey must have had a different experience of childhood from me as whoneeds a religion to bring you this? I already have a relationship withGod and don't need to go to church to bring me what I already have.I also remember being bullied at school. I had seen my Dad fight hisfather and I knew.
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