But I couldnever quite bring myself to admit, even to myself, that I was happy todress as a girl, despite taking increasing pains over my appearance, andexperimenting with jewellery and make-up and clothes which became morestylish and sexy as I grew older. And my mother, while indulging thisexperimentation, would not say in so many words that what she reallywanted was for me to dress as a girl. The ritual of the Game also, Ithink, became part of the pleasure for both of us. But the negativeconsequence of all this was that the only place I could dress was athome: I never went out dressed as a girl, for the simple reason that itwould have been impossible to explain, particularly when I was 17 or 18years old, that this was my mother's way of punishing me for an imaginarytransgression.When I arrived at university, I left my girl wardrobe behind. I wasliving in a hall of residence, surrounded by other students, in apredominantly male corridor. Testosterone flowed, as it tends to. On his head, a leather Santa cap with two furry white balls dangling from the top. He wore leather pants and red satin boots. Of course no Santa would be complete without the tell-tale white beard, which he did not wear. He wasn’t fat and short but rather tall and lean. He had huge ripped biceps and forearms which resembled the trunk of a small tree. Hanging from the rack on the wall was a giant sack, seemingly filled to the point of bursting. Santa stood staring at me in expectation. Speechless I stared back at him. We stood silently staring at one another until finally he said. “Huh… nice costume.” “Ohh it’s not a costume…” I started to say and caught myself. How was I going to finish that sentence? “Ohh it’s not a costume, I was running from my father and stumbled into a mysterious wardrobe which, incidentally, contains a magical world and I didn’t have time to pack appropriately.”? Finished with his transaction, he shook himself, flushed and headed toward the.
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