I am just going to have to ask. It is another level of dependence. It makes me feel like some sort of kept animal.All too soon, Neena breezes into my cell. I am sitting in a tight ball. I have washed myself but I just feel crushed with embarrassment. She immediately wants to know what the matter is. I stutter and stammer and finally get it out. She is a girl, like me. Surely she will understand? But she is just horrible! She deliberately misunderstands what I am trying to say when I ask for some tampons. She starts to rant about how I have to leave games behind and how I should be looking for every opportunity to serve my Owners and how this is a great inconvenience and perhaps they will just have me spayed if they do not want to have me breed.Have me spayed? Like a cat? Breed from me? Which is worse? I stand before Neena completely aghast at what she is saying! I begin to feel very cold and sick and afraid. I stare at her with my mouth open. I thought she was vaguely on my side, as. "We'll see about that," I finally said softly as I sat looking at her keys lying in front of me.Then the enormity of what had just happened hit me, and I felt crushing depression starting to set in. The strangest thing was I had the thought that I needed to make sure there were no extra keys. So also I decided to have a locksmith out in the morning to rekey all the locks.I wanted to stay in bed and curl up and pretend that this all had never happened the next morning, but I couldn't. I had two small children who needed someone responsible in their lives taking care of them. I forced myself to get out of bed and get children up, change them, feed them, and try to make believe that nothing had changed in their little world.Soon I was set in a pattern of taking them to daycare, picking them up, playing with them before fixing their dinner, bathing them, and then putting them down for the night.Sometimes what was going on didn't hit me hard until well into the night lying alone in our bed.
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