It had started at a sleepover, where we did a little kissing. Then another sleepover where we did a little touching. Then after school one day when we just dropped the pretense and did a lot of touching. We both loved what we did, and neither of us feels any shame because of it. Then as I went through High School more sleepovers with other girls and more exploring. Dates with guys, then dates with guys ending in handjobs. Then dates in guys ending with blowjobs. Then on more than one occasion when I was a senior, dates with guys ending up with either my pants down around my ankles, or my skirt pulled up over my ass and getting delightfully plowed. Then I started to tone things down, realizing I did not want to be known as a slut. So with only one exception since then, I only have sex with somebody inside of a relationship.This occurred during a summer when I had just graduated and was 18. I lived in Los Angeles, so the beach is a favorite place to go. I was short, with long hair so I. Not yet. I knew they were worried and disappointed that I wouldn't or couldn't talk, but everything was just too raw. I'd call them in a few days, once I felt better.I told Mom I wanted to sleep in my room, by myself. She looked disappointed, too, but kissed me and told me she loved me.How could she love me? How could any of them? I was such a fucking failure.They made me sit in one of the two dozen chairs beneath the awning. I know they did it because I was on crutches, but all I could think about was that I had a great view of the shiny metal casket and dark gaping hole in the ground behind it. Fuzz's parents wanted me to be a pallbearer, but because I was gimpy, I couldn't actually carry the casket. They had me listed on the funeral program as an honorary pallbearer, whatever that meant. I felt the burning hole in my heart get bigger as I watched Jeff and five other guys carrying the casket from the hearse to the grave. I wasn't carrying the casket because I didn't deserve to.
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