I can’t think. Bitch. Helpless and angry, a pitiful combination. And you just walk away. 27 June I gaze down the garden path and across to the trees beyond the pond. Sunlight and birdsong. I try to feel something. Anything. There’s no rage left, no anger. But there is nothing to take its place either. I try to hold that thought but I can’t. I know I need you to know that, but helpless, I know it’s unlikely I’ll recall it later. Still staring at the trees, I feel I ought to be responding to the beauty around me. I can see it’s a pretty place, a lovely afternoon. I try again to concentrate. I hear the birds, a light breeze rustling the manicured landscape. I can hear the unusual sounds of children playing in the visitor’s garden. I feel next to nothing in response. I ought to feel so much more. Christopher. I know I should. That’s your fault. I know that too. You stare at me pained, hopeful, and wary. What are you waiting for? This cocktail of me-suppressing drugs is no recipe for. Her arms crossed, her hand covering her mouth as I smile and watch. As she slowly walks along the room, I watch the red dress she is wearing swish across her ass as she walks, I can't help it. Heather walks behind the couch and runs her hand gently across the pillows, her fingers caressing the fringe as she goes. I want those fingers running down my arms, over my chest, through my hair. I offer to get her another glass of wine. She accepts and when I return, she is sitting crossed leg on the couch. Her dress clings to her chest, flows freely over her thighs. I hand her the drink. She smiles and takes a sip and she is aware that I'm drinking her in. I take her hand and lead her to the balcony overlooking the city. It's dark with a cool breeze and surprisingly quiet. Everyone has remained inside. The breeze pushes the sheer fabric of her dress tightly to the contours of her body. I smell her deliciousness. I back her into the wall and kiss her softly but hard on the mouth, her tongue.
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