It was the opposite. I loved him all too much. I was only breaking up with him because he was such a nice guy, and while helping out his buddies, I was left with the scraps of time and energy he could give me. And why could I hate him for being a good guy? Who was left to hate? Our friends? I entertained a vivid and comical fantasy of hacking all our friends to pieces, while shrieking maniacally that now Shawn could be only mine. But who could blame them? They were great people too, much better than Shawn’s old friends. When times get rough, you blame yourself. A carousel, with horses of “what ifs” revolved in my head. What if I was taller? Thinner? Smarter? Prettier? Had less blemished skin? What if I was Swedish? Older? Had brown eyes and a silky laugh? What if I had more in common with Shawn, like cars and computers? What if I was the kind of person who could keep a boyfriend? “Esme?” I looked up to find Shawn staring at me. I had drifted off into my delusion. Christ. “Are you. Girls find it interesting. Brings out their maternal instincts, or something." Yeah," said Gina skeptically. "She looked real maternal." Imitating Katarina's breathy voice, Gina said "If I can do... *anything*... to help, just let me know." She added a flutter of eyelashes and an exaggerated sway of the hips. "Anything at all... " Laughing, she ducked away as Sam threw a mock-punch at her."Speaking of help," Sam changed the subject, "could you guys come over to help me study for the algebra test Thursday night? Mrs. Gray said she'd give me the make-up test on Friday after school." Sure, I'll be there," Gina said promptly, but Cameron shook his head."No can do. Choir practice." Gina hooted a little at that, and Cameron pretended to glare at her. "You don't need my help anyway... you're both better at algebra than me." No problem," Sam said. "Thanks, Gina."Sam had plenty to think about for the rest of the day. First Jenny, in the hospital; then Laura -- Mrs. Severson. Today, Katarina.
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