"Is it like one of those falling dreams?" Mike asked."No, one minute I am sleeping, next it's like a jolt and I'm up." Is there a thought that you wake to?" No, other than why the hell am I awake?" Ray responded."How often?" the counselor continued."Well I can't really tell you for sure. But not anywhere as bad as before." Okay Ray. You still sleep in your study right?" Ray nodded. "Well I want you to start keeping a journal of this. Let's start tracking how often you are having these episodes. I may ask that you talk to your doctor and maybe have a test or two. Let's make sure that it's cause is not physical. On the journal I want you to write down the date and time, and what you were thinking about. Also write down anything that you may feel is important. Was it storming outside? Were your children already up and making noise? Let's try to figure out the impact of the outside stimuli. Heck, even if you had burritos for dinner, when you usually don't. Anything and everything." Okay. I actually had a few dates with some girls and a couple of them indeedbecome girlfriends of sorts, but sex didn't work very well, and theyquickly dropped me, and both times I realized that it was basically myfault, because I never seemed to satisfy them, although I also knew theynever made me feel deeply in love or committed beyond an earlyinfatuation that quickly washed away.So, here starts my confession: while I tried to date girls and become aregular guy, I had been partly attracted to men since early after mypuberty. I become self-conscious of that fact when I started feelingashamed at my high school lockers after sports, when I found myselfavoiding to look at other boys' naked bodies, and always had a hard timewhen I got in the middle of a bunch of boys at school. This never helpedmuch with my natural shyness and pushed me more aside most forms ofsocial life in general.I spent lots of time alone, and as you can imagine, I had to handle mysex drive on my own and started consuming.
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