John was a great friend and fiancée; we waited until our wedding night to have sex because John wanted it that way. I know I did not want to wait and in a way I wish we hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I love John, it's embarrassing to admit it, but John is not the best lover that I have ever had. He tries, but when he comes home I plan to change him in that department.So, because of that, I have masturbated almost every day before my wedding and then almost everyday since. Don't get me wrong I am not sex crazy, I mean yes I am sexual but I am not abnormal. I say that because when it comes to sex now, it is always in my head. I am always fantasizing as I masturbate at night in bed sometimes even before Peter and Shirley start in.I would fantasize of Jimmy (my third boyfriend who was a very good lover.) We were together for two years before we broke up. Then when I found myself with another man that did not measure up in the sex department, I always, always reverted back to him and. Big Rock Candy Mountain? That was a famous song from back when that woman was still a little girl. That's the Hobo's paradise, in a land somewhere far, far away, where there are no evil rail yard bulls, no snow or rain, and the fountains spring forth lemonade or liquor to suit the thirsty hobo's every taste. With no work and no want, the weary hobo could at last take his long deserved rest. Hobos have been singing this song in their camps since the 1920's and Burl Ives had even made a commercial hit with the song sometime around the time I was born."No Sandy" I again told myself, "there is no Big Rock Candy Mountain."Chris further pressed me, "If I found a good paying job here in Florida, where would you go, what would you do?"Where would I go? Wherever the next freight car took me. What would I do? Tomorrow never knows. I would try and survive, one day to the next. I was getting too old for the rails, too old to stoop and pick crops in the heat and dodge rattlesnakes and alligators.
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